When we started this journey into parenthood (or, in our case, attempting to be parents), I never dreamed I’d be nearly 2 years in with nothing to show for it. I never thought I’d be going down the road of multiple doctor’s appointments, treatment decisions, medication options, and enormous medical bills.
A few months ago, we were talking about seeing the RE again after my HSG test. I had undergone the procedure in October, then we were giving it a few months of “trying naturally” to see if the procedure helped out any. Technically, I’ve been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”, meaning that the doctors really have no idea why we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. In our situation, it’s possible that the HSG test itself would help clear things out and we’d get pregnant on our own, which was what the two months were for.
When January rolled around, I spoke with the hubs and asked him what he thought. He was worried that the months spent “trying naturally” weren’t the best (we’d been sick a few times and other things), so he asked if we could keep trying for a few more months before undergoing anything more invasive. And while I didn’t want to give up those few months, I definitely recognized that this was a joint effort, and his input was just as important as mine. After giving it some thought, I decided that waiting a few more months wouldn’t hurt anything, and if it gave him the peace of mind he was searching for, then it would be worth it in the end.
And so, we tried. I mean…WE TRIED. We set reminders, and notifications on our phones. We cancelled plans with friends and basically did everything we could to make sure that we put our best effort into it. And, lo and behold, life sometimes has other plans. I ended up ovulating later than I normally do, so our timing wasn’t the greatest. I took a HPT this morning (11DPO) hoping, foolishly, that it would be positive and our timing wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Of course, just like the past 23 cycles, the test came back negative. And, while I knew it was a long shot from the very beginning, I was completely and utterly gutted. I got into the shower and spent the whole time crying my eyes out.
And so, we’re not out yet. I guess a miracle is still possible, since I haven’t started my period yet. However, based on the negative test, and our timing, it’s pretty well a lost cause. We still have the next month to try, before making an appointment with the RE, but at this point I’ve well and truly lost hope. I just keep feeling like I’m reaching for something I’ll never get my hands on. And it’s so heartbreaking when I’m absolutely surrounded by friends and colleagues getting pregnant by the handful. Not that I’m not happy for them, I am…but I’m so incredibly sad and resigned for us.
So, here we are, another month in. Next month marks cycle 25…who knows, maybe that will be the lucky one.
K.
chancingadream.wordpress.com 
The hardest thing I’ve found about the entire infertility process has been accepting that I was participating in insanity. Every month we tried naturally (even after surgeries, painful medical tests, etc.), I expected different results. I expected us to get pregnant. I expected it to work THIS time, yet every month, it failed. But we kept trying and trying and trying…It really felt like surrender when we finally went to see the RE to discuss our next steps. It felt both heartwrenchingly sad and freeing to give up and say, “We can’t do it on our own. Can you help us?” I’ve regained a lot of hope since we saw an RE just because I know there are next steps, and I’m less willing to participate in insanity today. Good luck. It’s extremely hard dealing with this.
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Thanks for your comment! I completely agree, actually making the decision to go to an RE and accept that we needed help was really difficult, but once it was done I felt such relief! I haven’t had an RE appointment since October, after my HSG, so it’s been awhile. I do know that I am ready (even “excited”) to go back to the RE, because it feels like we’re actively DOING something. At this point, I just feel like we’re wasting time, so once we make it back to the RE I know I’ll feel better.
Thanks again, and good luck to you as well!!!
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I know this isn’t what you want to hear, but I’ve had so many ladies tell me that they didn’t get their positive until 14dpo. I know it’s hard to wait, but it really is not reliable until the 2 weeks is up. But oh, I’ve been there, and this part sucks! I also have unexplained infertility and it’s the worst. To have no reason why you can’t concieve, there’s so much hope and so much disappointment. I hope that things work out for you where you do not have to go the more invasive route, but I found that when I did, I was full of relief and excitement rather than the fear and anxiety I thought I’d have. Unfortunately, I still don’t have a positive or a baby, I go in for my beta on Sunday, but it’s been a bit easier emotionally since I started treatments.
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First, thanks for your comment! Second, GOOD LUCK on Saturday!!
I know (logically) that anything before 14DPO really is a crapshoot. Sigh, I can’t seem to help myself, but I do remind myself of it every time I get a negative test. It sucks, but that’s how it goes, I guess! I am definitely excited to get back to the RE and talk about options, because I feel like we’re just running in place doing what we’re doing now. I really hope IUIs work for us!
Again, thanks, and good luck!!!
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The two week wait is horrible, especially when you let yourself get your hopes up, and you only have one line to show for it. I’m also experiencing “unexplained infertility”, and not knowing is the worst, because that means there is no logical reason for it to NOT happen. So, let yourself cry, it’s ok to be upset. But don’t give up hope. There is always room for hope.
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Thanks for your comment! Yeah, the 2WW sucks, and this month was particularly hard. I still haven’t started a new cycle, and if I don’t start one by Friday, then I’ll test again. Who knows, maybe it was just too early to test (I hope!). Unexplained infertility is such a mind game, for exactly the reasons you said…no logical reason for it to NOT happen. Thanks for the encouragement, I really do appreciate it! And, I hope everything goes smoothly with you as well…good luck!
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