It’s been two months since our home study was approved and our book went on the shelf. There are days when it feels like just yesterday we were doing all the paperwork associated with the home study, and then there are days when it feels like we’ve been in a holding pattern forever. While last month, I said that it doesn’t quite feel real at this point, this month is vastly different. I wish I could say it was for the better, but it’s really not.
This past month, it has felt like we’re just spinning our wheels. I hate feeling like I have zero control over any of this. At this point, there is literally nothing we can do. The paperwork is done, everything is finalized, we are just waiting for someone to pick us, and there’s not much I can do to speed that up. I’m going to wait another month before contacting the agency for feedback and whether or not they’ve shown our book, just so they will have had plenty of time and opportunity to show it to birth moms. I don’t want to bother them all the time about it…our agency is small and I know everyone is super busy.
J and I have discussed what we’ll do if this drags on. We’ve talked about another round of IVF next year, if nothing comes from it by then. We’ve also talked about signing on with a second agency, or an adoption law firm, to help see if that speeds things up. I feel, in my heart, that adoption is the right path for us, but I get tripped up by my own impatience at times. I feel like I’ve been waiting FOREVER to be a mother. After we were married, I waited until J was on the same page about having children (he wasn’t ready as quickly as I was, and that was ok), then after we started trying to conceive, it was years of failures and treatments and more failures, and more money, and nothing to show for it. And now, that we’ve moved on to adoption, it’s even more waiting. There are days where I am so tired of waiting, I could scream. And I try to keep it in perspective, but it’s hard at times.
So…that’s where we are. Two months in. It seems like such a pitiful amount of time, when you look at it as only 60 days, but to me it feels as though it’s a lifetime. A lifetime of watching more friends get pregnant, give birth, parent their children, and a lifetime of wondering if that will ever be a reality for us. I hope month three brings me some renewed hope and optimism, and I will definitely be working on my patience!