After yesterday’s BFN, my world sort of went into a tailspin for a day. But, today…things are better! Not great, not perfect, but definitely better than a few days ago. Where I was hopeless earlier this week, I now feel hopeful that we can really do have this and a take-home baby is in our grasp. Much like this whole journey has gone, my emotions fluctuate between feeling good and hopeful, and feeling hopeless. But, today, I’m going to embrace the hopeful. I’m going to focus on feeling good and try my best to not worry about the rest of it. Who knows, maybe this good mood will stick around!
When we started this journey into parenthood (or, in our case, attempting to be parents), I never dreamed I’d be nearly 2 years in with nothing to show for it. I never thought I’d be going down the road of multiple doctor’s appointments, treatment decisions, medication options, and enormous medical bills.
A few months ago, we were talking about seeing the RE again after my HSG test. I had undergone the procedure in October, then we were giving it a few months of “trying naturally” to see if the procedure helped out any. Technically, I’ve been diagnosed with “unexplained infertility”, meaning that the doctors really have no idea why we haven’t gotten pregnant yet. In our situation, it’s possible that the HSG test itself would help clear things out and we’d get pregnant on our own, which was what the two months were for.
When January rolled around, I spoke with the hubs and asked him what he thought. He was worried that the months spent “trying naturally” weren’t the best (we’d been sick a few times and other things), so he asked if we could keep trying for a few more months before undergoing anything more invasive. And while I didn’t want to give up those few months, I definitely recognized that this was a joint effort, and his input was just as important as mine. After giving it some thought, I decided that waiting a few more months wouldn’t hurt anything, and if it gave him the peace of mind he was searching for, then it would be worth it in the end.
And so, we tried. I mean…WE TRIED. We set reminders, and notifications on our phones. We cancelled plans with friends and basically did everything we could to make sure that we put our best effort into it. And, lo and behold, life sometimes has other plans. I ended up ovulating later than I normally do, so our timing wasn’t the greatest. I took a HPT this morning (11DPO) hoping, foolishly, that it would be positive and our timing wasn’t as bad as I thought it was. Of course, just like the past 23 cycles, the test came back negative. And, while I knew it was a long shot from the very beginning, I was completely and utterly gutted. I got into the shower and spent the whole time crying my eyes out.
And so, we’re not out yet. I guess a miracle is still possible, since I haven’t started my period yet. However, based on the negative test, and our timing, it’s pretty well a lost cause. We still have the next month to try, before making an appointment with the RE, but at this point I’ve well and truly lost hope. I just keep feeling like I’m reaching for something I’ll never get my hands on. And it’s so heartbreaking when I’m absolutely surrounded by friends and colleagues getting pregnant by the handful. Not that I’m not happy for them, I am…but I’m so incredibly sad and resigned for us.
So, here we are, another month in. Next month marks cycle 25…who knows, maybe that will be the lucky one.