I know the idea of blogging about our wait, one month at a time, must make it seem like I’m stressed out about how long this will take. And some of you (hell…who are we kidding, probably MOST of you) are thinking, “Woah, girl…slow it down, it’s only 30 days in and you’re already stressed out? This wait is gonna suck for you!” And, you’d be right. Sort of…
The weird truth is, I’m not really stressed. In fact, I’m still trying to come to grips with the reality that we’re in. Realistically, I know that we could be matched at any time (be it tonight, or two years down the road), but it still seems somewhat surreal. Like there’s someone behind a curtain waiting to spring out and tell us, “Just kidding! You have 5 more documents to sign, 8 more background checks, and 2 more letter of recommendation. Oh, and also, your house needs a petting zoo” or something equally ridiculous. I guess it just doesn’t seem REAL at this point.
Most days, I wake up, and this adoption is the furthest thing from my mind. We have lives we’re living…we work, we travel, we remodel our house (talk about a never ending project)…we have other things going on that are separate from our desire to be parents. And, honestly, I “think” that’s the best thing for us. If every day this adoption was the first thing on my mind when I woke up, and the last thing on my mind before I went to bed, I would probably drive myself crazy. I’m glad that isn’t where we’re at, emotionally. But, on the flip side of the coin, I worry that we’re not stressed enough. We’ve been trying for a baby for so long, through so many cycles (mediated and unmedicated) and through so much hope and despair, that I wonder why I’m NOT thinking about this 24/7. Do I not want to be a parent enough? Should I want it more than I do? Am I somehow a bad soon-to-be-mother because I don’t fill my days with books on child rearing and sleep schedules? I mean…I don’t THINK I am…but every so often the concern is there.
So…in the meantime, we’re nearly 5 weeks into the wait for our baby. In a way, that 5 weeks seems like a lifetime, and yet only a few hours. I’m not sure when it will become “real” for me, or when I’ll start stressing about the wait, but I hope it’s much further down the line. Instead, I’m going to keep focusing on the here and now, and getting as much out of life as I can before everything changes in a split second (for the better, to be sure, but a change nonetheless). I’m going to continue to update the blog when the mood strikes, and when updates occur, and hopefully soon it will be the time to write the post that I’m most excited about, that our forever baby is in our arms.