I’m smack dab in the middle of the dreaded 2 week wait.  IUI #3 went off without a hitch, though J’s numbers were the lowest yet.  I’m not sure if they will ask for a urology consult if this IUI is a bust or not.  It’s still above where they would like to see them for an IUI (10M count, 70% motility, no idea on morphology as they didn’t have the numbers at our IUI), but still the lowest ones they’ve seen for us yet.  Last IUI, the morphology was at 1%, so I’ll be anxious to see what that number is as well.

I’m torn between wanting to be hopeful that this one worked, and wanting to be realistic that it was a bust.  J and I had a long talk about IVF and what that would include this past weekend, and I’m happy to say we at least came to a few conclusions.  Up until now, I’ve been worried about whether we’d go with IVF if IUIs didn’t work, primarily because I was worried J and I would disagree over what to do with unused embryos/eggs.  I am fully open to putting them up for adoption, or donating them to science (as an end resort), but I am not ok with destroying them.  While I know that IUI/IVF are against Catholic doctrine, I’ve been ok with the procedures (from a personal level) because we weren’t destroying “life.”  I feel that, if we had fertilized embryos, I wouldn’t be ok with having them destroyed.  Partly due to my personal beliefs, but also due to the fact that I couldn’t bear to destroy something that so many others need so desperately (just by going through these past two years struggling with infertility and personally knowing so many women with egg quality issues, along with MFI).  I was 100% willing to donate any excess eggs, as well as fertilized embryos, but was worried J wouldn’t be on board.  After talking about it last weekend, I was happy to find out that J is completely ok with adopting out the embryos, and of course the eggs are completely up to me.  It was SUCH a relief to know that this wasn’t going to be something we couldn’t see eye to eye on.

I was determined that, if we couldn’t come to an agreement on the unused eggs and embryos, that would stop our path towards IVF.  I didn’t want to play the odds that we wouldn’t have any leftovers, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to agree on what to do with them.  Luckily, that doesn’t appear to be the case, so now my only reservations with IVF are strictly medical (as opposed to both medical AND moral), and I will speak with my RE about them, when we get to that point.  Talk about a weight off my shoulders!

So…that’s where we are.  4DPIUI, and I can start testing in a week.  Please keep me in your prayers in the hopes that this worked, as that would surely be a miracle!

Much love,


One of those days…

me34Today is just “one of those days.”  You know the kind; from the moment you wake up it just immediately goes to shit and nothing seems to recover after that.  And usually, it’s not even anything major that sets you off!  Just one innocent event in a long line of innocent events, and the next thing you know the camel’s back is decidedly broken, with a tiny ass stick next to it.

Woke up this morning and made the epic mistake of stepping on the scale.  And, it’s not bad…I’ve put on close to 10 pounds in the past few months.  Not the end of the world, and definitely something I can take back off again.  But I just felt like this was the miniscule stick that was going to break me!  I’m unhappy in my job, I can’t get pregnant to save my life, and now we’re in the middle of a Hail Mary IUI before we head firmly down the path of IVF.  For the past year, my body/weight was the one  thing that I felt really confident and happy with!  And that was awesome.  I was healthy, at a good weight for my height/body type, eating really well, inhaling the fruits and veggies and whole foods that are good for you…you name it, I was on it.  And now…even that seems to be failing.

And logically, I know this is all interconnected.  I know that fertility hormones are wreaking havoc on my body, and probably causing some of this weight gain.  I know that I’m drinking more than I used to (though, by no means am I drink a lot).  We’ve been traveling and eating out more, all things that will cause weight gain.  But I just hate that this feels like one more thing I’ve lost control of, in the long list of other things beyond my control.

DH suggested that maybe we take a break from TTC after this last IUI.  I think the idea has merit…a few months to just be us, re-evaluate some of our newly formed habits, and get ourselves in the right frame of mind to start IVF.  I know it’s going to be even more emotional than these IUIs have been, with all the hormones that they’ll be pumping into me, so I want to get myself in a place where I am as relaxed as possible.  I know it won’t be easy, but I think it’s doable.  We’d have to take July off for testing anyways, so I’m thinking starting the testing in August or September, then IVF the month following that (barring any unforeseen problems).  I need to talk with the RE about options and where this will take us anyways, so it might be a good idea to take a few months to recollect ourselves, and sort out the logistics (finances being a big one).

Sigh…it started off as a craptacular day…but I have to remember that I can control how the rest of the day goes.  Hopefully I can turn it around, and enjoy my Friday!  Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Much love,