One of those days…

me34Today is just “one of those days.”  You know the kind; from the moment you wake up it just immediately goes to shit and nothing seems to recover after that.  And usually, it’s not even anything major that sets you off!  Just one innocent event in a long line of innocent events, and the next thing you know the camel’s back is decidedly broken, with a tiny ass stick next to it.

Woke up this morning and made the epic mistake of stepping on the scale.  And, it’s not bad…I’ve put on close to 10 pounds in the past few months.  Not the end of the world, and definitely something I can take back off again.  But I just felt like this was the miniscule stick that was going to break me!  I’m unhappy in my job, I can’t get pregnant to save my life, and now we’re in the middle of a Hail Mary IUI before we head firmly down the path of IVF.  For the past year, my body/weight was the one  thing that I felt really confident and happy with!  And that was awesome.  I was healthy, at a good weight for my height/body type, eating really well, inhaling the fruits and veggies and whole foods that are good for you…you name it, I was on it.  And now…even that seems to be failing.

And logically, I know this is all interconnected.  I know that fertility hormones are wreaking havoc on my body, and probably causing some of this weight gain.  I know that I’m drinking more than I used to (though, by no means am I drink a lot).  We’ve been traveling and eating out more, all things that will cause weight gain.  But I just hate that this feels like one more thing I’ve lost control of, in the long list of other things beyond my control.

DH suggested that maybe we take a break from TTC after this last IUI.  I think the idea has merit…a few months to just be us, re-evaluate some of our newly formed habits, and get ourselves in the right frame of mind to start IVF.  I know it’s going to be even more emotional than these IUIs have been, with all the hormones that they’ll be pumping into me, so I want to get myself in a place where I am as relaxed as possible.  I know it won’t be easy, but I think it’s doable.  We’d have to take July off for testing anyways, so I’m thinking starting the testing in August or September, then IVF the month following that (barring any unforeseen problems).  I need to talk with the RE about options and where this will take us anyways, so it might be a good idea to take a few months to recollect ourselves, and sort out the logistics (finances being a big one).

Sigh…it started off as a craptacular day…but I have to remember that I can control how the rest of the day goes.  Hopefully I can turn it around, and enjoy my Friday!  Have a wonderful weekend, everyone!

Much love,
K.

IUI #3

While on vacation in Key West, we realized that IUI #2 was a bust.  Disappointing, to be sure, but not especially shocking.  After IUI #2, we received word back on DH’s sperm analysis (SA), and the numbers were lower than they were for the first.  What was particularly low was the morphology (~1%), especially compared to the first IUI and his initial SA.  So, needless to say, I wasn’t super hopeful for the 2nd IUI’s success.

After AF started (woohoo…cycle 29), I gave the RE’s office a call to see what we were doing next.  I was worried about DH’s numbers, and whether that would force us to IVF instead of doing a 3rd IUI, but our RE felt that there was still some value in trying the IUI if we wanted.  He definitely gave us the option and said that if we wanted to be more aggressive starting now, he understood that.  J and I both agreed that we wanted to do a 3rd IUI, and we felt that was the best option for us at this point in time.

My protocol is still the same as the last two IUIs.  Femara (5mg, from CD3-CD7), then a monitoring ultrasound on CD13 (if no +OPK prior to that) and then a trigger and IUI the next day.  That’s how it’s worked for the last two…I’d get my +OPK on CD13, go in for a monitoring appointment, everything looked good, so we triggered in the office and came back the next morning.  I anticipate this being the same way (fingers crossed!).  It’s actually fairly good timing, because J leaves for a work trip to India the week after, so we’ll get this in before he leaves.  However, that means I’ll find out if it worked or not while he’s away.  Could be great for a “welcome home” surprise, but will suck if it’s a negative while he’s gone.  Oh well, I’ll handle it either way.

So…here we are…IUI #3.  I really hope this one works and we don’t have to move on to IVF.  I’m feeling like this is our “Hail Mary” prior to IVF, so let’s hope God and luck are on our side!

Much love,
K.

9DPIUI…

Today is 9DPIUI, and I feel like this cycle was a bust.  We got some news back on the hubby’s sperm analysis numbers, and it didn’t look good.  His overall count was much lower than before (though still slightly above the minimum for an IUI, and his morphology dropped a lot.  The nurse assured me that she’s seen pregnancies with even lower numbers, so hope is not lost, but I can’t help feeling like my stomach has dropped out.  I was so hoping that this would be our cycle…and it still very well might be, but now the sense of hope has been tarnished.

I tested this morning, stupidly knowing it was too early.  Of course it was negative.  And of course that has now exacerbated these feelings of doubt.   The hubby and I are leaving on vacation tomorrow (an anniversary trip, we celebrated 7 years of marriage together last Saturday), and I’m looking forward to a very long weekend on the beach in FL.  Hopefully we’ll still get our anniversary present in the way of a BFP!

Much love,
K.

IUI #2

After taking last month off, J and I decided to do a second IUI this month.  I had the same protocol as before, 5mg of Femara from CD3-CD7.  I had a really good response the last time we used Femara, so the RE wanted to keep me on the same protocol and (hopefully) get the same result.

My monitoring appointment was Saturday.  I went in early and was immediately called back for bloodwork.  They ran a check on my estrogen levels to make sure they weren’t too high, and then I waited a bit more for my ultrasound.  The tech came and called me back, and I went through the usual “undress from the waist down” system, per usual.  During the ultrasound, my lining looked good, and it turned out that my response this time was even better this time around.  I had three follicles, one 18mm, one 19mm, and one 20mm-21mm.  Overall, everything looked perfect, provided my estrogen levels weren’t too high.  The office said they’d call me if there was a problem with my estrogen levels, and then I received the best news yet.  Because I had gotten a positive OPK that morning, I didn’t have to do a trigger (hCG) shot!!  I don’t mind them, but good grief, my rear was SORE after the last one!  If I could prevent that, all the better!

This morning was our IUI.  I keep telling myself that an IUI on Mother’s Day must be good luck, right?  I start progesterone on Tuesday, and for now I just wait.  I have such high hopes for this cycle!  The chances of triplets are less than 1%, but I would be thrilled with twins (obviously, a single pregnancy would be fine too).  After this, we’re only doing another IUI, and then we’ll move on to IVF.  It’s hard to think it might come to that, so I’m really trying to stay positive that this cycle is it!  Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers, I’d really appreciate it!

Much love,
K.

Gearing up for the IUI…and a crochet project!

picstitchThis weekend is our IUI, so now I’m just in a waiting period.  I finished up the Femara protocol yesterday, so now I have my monitoring appointment on Saturday, and if it looks ok we’ll do the IUI on Sunday.  I’m hoping that doing an IUI on Mother’s Day is a good omen!

This past weekend was a baby shower.  This is the first one that I’ve been to since we started TTC.  I knew it would be hard, but I don’t think I had any idea on just how difficult it would be.  I was trying SO hard to be happy for my dear friend, while still feeling so sad for myself and J.  It’s such an emotional rollercoaster, and sometimes I just want to yell, “LET ME OFF!”  I made a few baby blankets for two of my friends who are currently pregnant, so that was a constant reminder that I’m not making a baby blanket for me, but for others.  However, I kept reminding myself that this was an opportunity to really bone up on my crochet skills, so that when it’s our turn my blankets will be amazing!  Silver lining, right??

Otherwise, things are looking good here.  Work is going well, and I’m trying hard to keep the stress down.  I’m basically just counting down the days until our anniversary trip to Key West!!!

Much love,
K.