I am finally in the mindset that this break from TTC is a good thing. I was worried, after our last BFP, that I’d be chomping at the bit to get started up again. I was worried that I’d be incapable of just relaxing and letting things come, constantly worrying about “what’s next” and whether we’d ever get pregnant.
I’m happy (relieved, maybe?) to say that I’m in a really good place right now. I recently accepted a new position in my company, so I’m going to be embarking on a new career path. It’s actually going back to the area where I worked in Europe (Sales and Marketing) so it’ll be more of a homecoming than anything else. I think it’ll be really good for me, as I’m comfortable (though still challenged) in the role, and I really enjoy the work. Plus…international travel is on the horizon! In the new job, I’ll be traveling to Asia a few times a year, so that’s very exciting for me!
I’m definitely realizing the wisdom in taking this break, however. I’m in a much better place, mentally, especially knowing the stress that will come with the transition to the new job. Even though I’m comfortable with the subject area, it’ll still take time to get up to speed on things, and I’m glad I won’t be juggling that ball along with the heavy weight that is infertility treatments and IVF cycles.
So, there are big changes coming up. I’m excited for them, and ready for the change, but still nervous in my ability to meet the challenges head-on. I think I got it, but only time will tell. In the meantime, I’m going to enjoy this time with J as a child-free couple and really embrace our relationship as it is right now…just us. Hopefully the summer is as fantastic as I’m planning for it to be!
Well, in much the same fashion as the previous two IUIs, this one has failed as well. It was our Hail Mary IUI prior to IVF anyways, so I didn’t hold out much hope, but there was a small part of me that thought “maybe this will be it!” So, of course, when it wasn’t, I was devastated again. This up and down cycle has been the worst…constantly waiting and wondering if now is the time.
So…what’s next, you ask? Well…IVF looks to be next on our list. I have a consult with a second RE on August 10th (the earliest I could get in), and I need to call my current RE to let them know this cycle was a bust and see when we can talk next steps with him. I want to compare the two plans (as well as the costs at the two clinics) to see which one feels like a better fit for us. IVF is so incredibly expensive, and we really only plan on doing one egg retrieval (ER) so I want to make sure that we give ourselves the best shot possible. The second consult clinic has a better % for live births following a single IVF, but it’s not significantly higher. I just really need to sit down and talk with both doctors to see what they feel is best for us, and then we can make a decision on where to move forward.
I honestly never thought we’d be here. It’s heartbreaking to think about, and yet it also seems like it’s been so many years coming. We’re well over the 2 year mark of trying to conceive, so I can’t really say I’m surprised that it didn’t work out on its own. I’m just trying to keep the hope alive that this will work out for us, eventually.
On another note, we have decided to take the summer off from treatments. I really need to let my body recover after two back-to-back IUIs, and we’d really like to just relax this summer and not worry about driving to the RE every week or so. We’ve planned a trip to Washington DC for the 4th of July, and I’m planning a few smaller, weekend trips for us throughout the summer. Plus, working on the house and getting started in some new activities should keep us plenty busy. I’m looking forward to a relaxing summer…hopefully I come out of it in a much better frame of mind!
I’m smack dab in the middle of the dreaded 2 week wait. IUI #3 went off without a hitch, though J’s numbers were the lowest yet. I’m not sure if they will ask for a urology consult if this IUI is a bust or not. It’s still above where they would like to see them for an IUI (10M count, 70% motility, no idea on morphology as they didn’t have the numbers at our IUI), but still the lowest ones they’ve seen for us yet. Last IUI, the morphology was at 1%, so I’ll be anxious to see what that number is as well.
I’m torn between wanting to be hopeful that this one worked, and wanting to be realistic that it was a bust. J and I had a long talk about IVF and what that would include this past weekend, and I’m happy to say we at least came to a few conclusions. Up until now, I’ve been worried about whether we’d go with IVF if IUIs didn’t work, primarily because I was worried J and I would disagree over what to do with unused embryos/eggs. I am fully open to putting them up for adoption, or donating them to science (as an end resort), but I am not ok with destroying them. While I know that IUI/IVF are against Catholic doctrine, I’ve been ok with the procedures (from a personal level) because we weren’t destroying “life.” I feel that, if we had fertilized embryos, I wouldn’t be ok with having them destroyed. Partly due to my personal beliefs, but also due to the fact that I couldn’t bear to destroy something that so many others need so desperately (just by going through these past two years struggling with infertility and personally knowing so many women with egg quality issues, along with MFI). I was 100% willing to donate any excess eggs, as well as fertilized embryos, but was worried J wouldn’t be on board. After talking about it last weekend, I was happy to find out that J is completely ok with adopting out the embryos, and of course the eggs are completely up to me. It was SUCH a relief to know that this wasn’t going to be something we couldn’t see eye to eye on.
I was determined that, if we couldn’t come to an agreement on the unused eggs and embryos, that would stop our path towards IVF. I didn’t want to play the odds that we wouldn’t have any leftovers, knowing that we wouldn’t be able to agree on what to do with them. Luckily, that doesn’t appear to be the case, so now my only reservations with IVF are strictly medical (as opposed to both medical AND moral), and I will speak with my RE about them, when we get to that point. Talk about a weight off my shoulders!
So…that’s where we are. 4DPIUI, and I can start testing in a week. Please keep me in your prayers in the hopes that this worked, as that would surely be a miracle!