The Wait…Month Seven.

Seven months into our wait, and it’s getting harder around the holidays.  To top it off, the pregnancy announcements just keep coming, and I often find myself questioning if this is ever going to happen for us.  I know lots of people wait much longer than this, but it doesn’t make the pill any easier to swallow.

We are going to sign with a second agency in the new year.  We love our agency that we’re working with now, but we’re hoping to increase our chances for a faster match.  Hopefully this will do that…I just hate the financial aspect of it all.  I feel bad spending so much money on this; even though it’s very important to us both to be parents, I still feel so much guilt when it comes to spending money.  You’d think, after years of fertility treatments, I’d be used to it, but sadly not.

In other news, Thanksgiving was lovely.  We traveled to Connecticut to visit friends that we made while living in the Netherlands (they lived there as well and moved back to the United States shortly after us), and it was fantastic.  I ate too much, drank too much, laughed too much (ok, not really), and just relaxed.  It was a long drive (13.5 hours each way), but totally worth it.  Now that we’re back, this week will be spent decorating for Christmas and finishing up the shopping.  I love the holidays, but there is a bit of a damper on my spirit these past few years.  I’m trying to focus on the positive and keep praying for a Christmas miracle!

Much love,
K.

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The Wait…Month Four

We’re a little over four months in our wait for a match.  I feel like time has been flying, but that’s probably because we’ve been trying to keep busy this summer.  We’ve been traveling for fun, and I’ve also been traveling for work, plus we’ve been working on the house continuously.  The basement is nearly completed, and we’ll soon start working on the nursery furniture!

I still struggle with the wait a lot.  I know nothing will make it go faster, that this is just the process, but it’s hard at times.  I just try to keep things in perspective, that everything will happen in the time it’s supposed to, and while we wait J and I can focus on our marriage and getting everything ready for the little one!

Much love,
K.

Agency Update

in loveAfter the home visit was completed, our social worker told us to check up with the agency in a few months to see how things were going.  She had a few comments on our book during the home study, and said it might be something that was brought up with the expecting mothers, and if it was mentioned by them the agency would let us know and we could make changes to the book.  They were all super easy things, such as some expecting moms like to see full pages and tons of photos of our family and extended families, photos of us with our multicultural friends, etc.  All very easy to update, and all things I had considered, but didn’t add into the book because I didn’t want it to be 100 pages long.

I sent off an email to the social worker and the Director at the agency earlier this week.  I know they’re a small agency and the response time probably wouldn’t be immediate, but I was curious to see how things were going.  The Director responded back yesterday with an update on the situation and how things are going.

It was an update/not an update.  I mean, it was the best she could provide, and I appreciate the time she took to write it, but anything less than “we’ve just matched you” probably wasn’t going to wow me.  They’ve shown our book several times in the last month, and no one has suggested anything they’d like to see differently, so no recommendations for changes.  She said that she’ll continue to get our profile out there as much as possible, but that was about it.  And, I understand that…there isn’t anything she can really do about the number of mothers coming in wanting to put together an adoption plan for their child, or who they pick to parent their child.  We just have to sit back, be patient, and pray that God has a plan for us and that we’re open to it.  It’s hard, and very frustrating at times, but J and I are still confident that this is the right path for us and that it’ll happen.

And, that’s about it.  Still waiting, still hanging out, but making more progress on the nursery!  I’ll post photos once all the artwork is hung on the walls!

Much love,
K.

The Wait…Three Months and Counting

It’s been a little over three months since we went “live” with our agency, and we’re still waiting.  I try to tell myself that we were told, up front, that the average wait time was 18-24 months, and we’re nowhere near that…but it’s hard.

Yesterday was a bit of a kick in the head.  A really good friend of mine has been thinking she’s been going through menopause (she’s in her mid-forties), and we’ve been talking about that.  I encouraged her to take a pregnancy test, just in case, because this woman is one of the most fertile people I’ve ever met.  She really didn’t think she was pregnant, but yesterday morning she decided to test just in case.  She’s pregnant, shocked, and excited (this will be child #4), and I am thrilled for her!  However, not five hours later, from finding out she’s pregnant, another friend who had started the adoption journey at the same time as us posted on her FB page that they had turned in their final bits of paperwork last week, and that same day they were matched with an expecting mother due in a week.  Last weekend, the baby was born and they’ve already brought her home.  Their “wait” for a match was half a day, and their daughter was home within a week.

And, honestly, I am so happy for them, but I’m also frustrated and sad and disappointed for us.  It’s like every time I breathe, someone new is getting pregnant, having a child, and now, getting matched and bringing home a baby.  It feels like there is this gaping hole in my chest that doesn’t seem to want to close, and with each day I worry that this will never happen for us.  I know we’re early in the adoption wait, but it’s been YEARS now that we’ve been trying for a child.  I know I just need to keep faith that this is all part of God’s plan and it WILL happen, but there are times when I’m doubtful.  We’ll get through it, and I’m sure I’ll get my positivity back eventually, but I think it might take a little bit.  I’m trying very hard not to wallow, so for the next few weeks I’m just going to do my best to focus on home remodel projects, exercise and eating healthy, and other fun things in life.  We’ll be going to Washington D.C. at the end of August, so I’m looking forward to that!  And, who knows…maybe my next update will be that we’re matched!

Much love,
K.

The Wait…Two Months In

It’s been two months since our home study was approved and our book went on the shelf.  There are days when it feels like just yesterday we were doing all the paperwork associated with the home study, and then there are days when it feels like we’ve been in a holding pattern forever.  While last month, I said that it doesn’t quite feel real at this point, this month is vastly different.  I wish I could say it was for the better, but it’s really not.

This past month, it has felt like we’re just spinning our wheels.  I hate feeling like I have zero control over any of this.  At this point, there is literally nothing we can do.  The paperwork is done, everything is finalized, we are just waiting for someone to pick us, and there’s not much I can do to speed that up.  I’m going to wait another month before contacting the agency for feedback and whether or not they’ve shown our book, just so they will have had plenty of time and opportunity to show it to birth moms.  I don’t want to bother them all the time about it…our agency is small and I know everyone is super busy.

J and I have discussed what we’ll do if this drags on.  We’ve talked about another round of IVF next year, if nothing comes from it by then.  We’ve also talked about signing on with a second agency, or an adoption law firm, to help see if that speeds things up.  I feel, in my heart, that adoption is the right path for us, but I get tripped up by my own impatience at times.  I feel like I’ve been waiting FOREVER to be a mother.  After we were married, I waited until J was on the same page about having children (he wasn’t ready as quickly as I was, and that was ok), then after we started trying to conceive, it was years of failures and treatments and more failures, and more money, and nothing to show for it.  And now, that we’ve moved on to adoption, it’s even more waiting.  There are days where I am so tired of waiting, I could scream.  And I try to keep it in perspective, but it’s hard at times.

So…that’s where we are.  Two months in.  It seems like such a pitiful amount of time, when you look at it as only 60 days, but to me it feels as though it’s a lifetime.  A lifetime of watching more friends get pregnant, give birth, parent their children, and a lifetime of wondering if that will ever be a reality for us.  I hope month three brings me some renewed hope and optimism, and I will definitely be working on my patience!

Much love,
K.

Baby Blankets and Crochet

blanketWhen we lived overseas, I would often times run out of things to do in order to pass the time.   We traveled quite a bit (we were there 3.5 years), but during the week, after work, I needed hobbies.  So, I decided to teach myself to crochet.  I had learned a long time ago, when I was in elementary school, but I had forgotten pretty much all of it except how to make a chain, so I needed to relearn from scratch.  Luckily, all things can be taught via YouTube, so it wasn’t too bad!

With my newly acquired skills, I decided that I wanted to make my pregnant friends  a baby blanket for a present.  I liked to crochet, and I wanted my friends to have something handmade to give to their children.  While overseas, I made 3-4 blankets for friends, and after repatriating back to the US, I made several more.  But, I’d never made any for myself (and after three years of infertility, I was worried I never would).  However, now that we’re officially “on the shelf” with our adoption profile, I decided I could go ahead and make a blanket for our baby, whenever that baby decides to show up!  Last night, I finished it up, so it’s ready go to!  I plan on backing it with soft jersey knit material (or flannel), in a boy/girl specific color once we have the baby home, but for now, it’s as complete as it can get.  I’m completely in love with it, and can’t wait to wrap our baby up in it!

Much love,
K.

The Wait…One Month In

I know the idea of blogging about our wait, one month at a time, must make it seem like I’m stressed out about how long this will take.  And some of you (hell…who are we kidding, probably MOST of you) are thinking, “Woah, girl…slow it down, it’s only 30 days in and you’re already stressed out?  This wait is gonna suck for you!”  And, you’d be right.  Sort of…

The weird truth is, I’m not really stressed.  In fact, I’m still trying to come to grips with the reality that we’re in.  Realistically, I know that we could be matched at any time (be it tonight, or two years down the road), but it still seems somewhat surreal.  Like there’s someone behind a curtain waiting to spring out and tell us, “Just kidding!  You have 5 more documents to sign, 8 more background checks, and 2 more letter of recommendation.  Oh, and also, your house needs a petting zoo” or something equally ridiculous.  I guess it just doesn’t seem REAL at this point.

Most days, I wake up, and this adoption is the furthest thing from my mind.  We have lives we’re living…we work, we travel, we remodel our house (talk about a never ending project)…we have other things going on that are separate from our desire to be parents.  And, honestly, I “think” that’s the best thing for us.  If every day this adoption was the first thing on my mind when I woke up, and the last thing on my mind before I went to bed, I would probably drive myself crazy.  I’m glad that isn’t where we’re at, emotionally.  But, on the flip side of the coin, I worry that we’re not stressed enough.  We’ve been trying for a baby for so long, through so many cycles (mediated and unmedicated) and through so much hope and despair, that I wonder why I’m NOT thinking about this 24/7.  Do I not want to be a parent enough?  Should I want it more than I do?  Am I somehow a bad soon-to-be-mother because I don’t fill my days with books on child rearing and sleep schedules?  I mean…I don’t THINK I am…but every so often the concern is there.

So…in the meantime, we’re nearly 5 weeks into the wait for our baby.  In a way, that 5 weeks seems like a lifetime, and yet only a few hours.  I’m not sure when it will become “real” for me, or when I’ll start stressing about the wait, but I hope it’s much further down the line.  Instead, I’m going to keep focusing on the here and now, and getting as much out of life as I can before everything changes in a split second (for the better, to be sure, but a change nonetheless).  I’m going to continue to update the blog when the mood strikes, and when updates occur, and hopefully soon it will be the time to write the post that I’m most excited about, that our forever baby is in our arms.

Much love,
K.