Self-Doubt…A Cruel Mistress

The hubs and I have been struggling as of late.  Our relationship is fine, it’s not that, it’s just that our timing with the TTC journey leaves something to be desired.  A few months ago, I had an HSG to check for blockages in my fallopian tubes.  Luckily, everything came back fine, and my RE suggested that we try a few more months “naturally” because often times an HSG can be therapeutic, even if there are no blockages.   I was so incredibly hopeful that would be the case for us, but as the month rapidly comes to a close, I don’t think we’ll be one of those couples that get pregnant after an HSG.

The first month after, we tried.  Our timing was awesome, we were completely connected.  And, of course…nothing.  My period was a day or so late, and I was so incredibly hopeful that my BFP would show up any morning, but test after test showed up negative, and then my period came.  It was incredibly disheartening, and I felt really defeated, but I had hopes for the next cycle.  Then, FW came and went, and J and I were both sick with sinus infections, and I had a bronchial problem that was causing me to have multiple asthma attacks.  So…needless to say, that fertile week came and went, and with it our chances for pregnancy that month.  But again, that was ok, because we could try again next month.  It wasn’t ideal, but no worries, not every month could be spot on.

Then this month came around.  And we talked about how we’d try to have sex as often as possible during my fertile week.  We’re off work, so it’s not like work stress would hold us back (or work travel, late nights at the office, etc.).  And then, I ovulated earlier than I normally do, so that only left us the day my OPK was positive.  Unfortunately, J is really struggling with some body image issues at the moment, and we’ve been eating out a lot, so he wasn’t feeling well (and no one feels particularly sexy when you’re not happy with your body).  And I get that…I do.  I’ve been there (more times than I want to think about) so I completely commiserate with how he’s feeling.  But, much like last month, our chances came and went, with no hope for pregnancy again this month.

And I’m not angry with J or anything…but I can’t help but feel disconnected and insecure.  In my crazy mind, the fact that he couldn’t put that aside for one afternoon says he isn’t as interested in having children as I am.  Or, even worse, he’s not attracted to me enough to want to put it aside.  And then my mind spirals out of control to all the things that could be going through is head…he doesn’t love me as much, he’s no longer attracted to me, he doesn’t want children (with me).  It’s ridiculous, and I know it’s completely illogical.

Logically, I know that isn’t the case at all…that his issues with his body are in no way reflective on me or our relationship.  And logic, ruler of my world, I wish you could tell my emotions to take a hike.  Because, as much as I know that, logically…emotionally I’m a mess.  Emotionally, I feel self-doubt, and I wrap insecurity around me like a blanket on a cold winter’s day.  And I feel like my feelings are ridiculous, so that keeps me from voicing them.  Earlier, I asked J if he still found me attractive.  Of course he said yes, but then there’s this small voice in the back of my head that says, “if he found you so attractive, he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you.”

I just feel like this journey is such a clusterfuck of emotions.  Every day is another mine field of emotions to navigate.  And I’m just so tired of constantly being on my toes with what new emotion will crop up today.  Hopefully it’ll be better tomorrow, and I’ll stop feeling like a hot mess.  And, of course, there’s always next month…we can try again, and maybe it’ll be “the month.”  Plus, I have an appointment with my RE next month, so hopefully we’ll start trying something new, and I’ll have more hope.  Until then…just got to hang on.