The Wait…Six Months In

Looking back, I’ve had the realization that, when speaking about our journey to parenthood, I start a lot of sentences with, “It’s hard to believe.”

“It’s hard to believe we’ve been trying to conceive for over a year.”

“It’s hard to believe we’re still doing fertility treatments, 2 years in.”

“It’s hard to believe that, even after IVF, we’re still where we started, nearly 3 years ago.”

The truth is, a lot of things about this journey are hard to believe.  The desire to have a child and how overwhelming that can feel at times (I definitely never thought I’d feel that way), the years spent on fertility treatments which we finally realized were wasted, the money that’s been spent trying to grow our family (and realistically, is still being spent)…all of it is hard to believe at times.

So today, I sit here writing this post, marking the six month wait on our adoption journey, and I thought it my head, “Wow, it’s hard to believe it’s been six months.”  Yep, six months…and we’re nowhere closer to having a child than we were six months ago.  That being said, emotionally, I’m in a much better place than I was a year ago (when we realized that our IVF cycle was a complete and utter bust).  A year ago, I felt so completely lost and without hope…we couldn’t even get to a point where we were going to transfer an embryo.  Not even a “well, it must not have stuck” but a “well, there’s nothing here to go forward with.”  That hurt, and the news sucked, and all around it was such a horrible time.

But now…a year later, and six months into our adoption journey, even without the comfort of knowing we are matched with an expectant mother, I’m in a much better place emotionally.  I have hope again.  We’re putting the nursery together, piece by tiny piece, and I know that, eventually, we’ll have a tiny human in there to enjoy it!  I don’t when…but today?  Today, that’s ok.  I don’t need to know when, at least not today.

DISCLAIMER:  Not going to lie, some days are better than others on the whole “patience is a virtue” track.

Overall, we’re hanging in there.  I’m hopefully that, six months from now, our story is quite different and we can excitedly share details about the match, or maybe even our tiny human…but for now, I’m holding tight to the hope.  It’ll get us through this wait, no matter how long it takes.

Much love,
K.

The Wait…Month Five

We are officially five months into our wait for baby J.  It’s been hard at times, worrying if we’re going with the right agency, if we should sign with two agencies at the same time, worried we’ll never be picked.  I know it’s only been five months, but at times it seems like it’s been a lifetime.

I’ve finished up the “boy” quilt and it’s now washed and dried, folded up in the closet in the nursery.  I have a few more projects (not related to the adoption) up my sleeve, so I’ll probably get started on those soon, something to keep my mind off the wait.

That’s about it, for now!  Not much going on here…just waiting!

Much love,
K.

Boy Quilt…More Quilting Along!

Recently I posted about my newest hobby, quilting.  I can’t believe I have waited this long to try it, it’s so much fun!  Plus, all the fabulous fabrics out there really allow you to make something special and completely unique.

This is the “boy” version of the quilt that I already posted, that we’ll use for the baby once we adopt.  Since we’re not sure on sex, I’ve made a boy and a girl quilt, and then I can donate the one we don’t end up using.  They’re both made from the Jelly Roll Jam quilt pattern from Fat Quarter Shop, and these quilts are a BLAST to make!

I haven’t had a chance to back this quilt yet, and do the machine quilting, but that is my plan for the weekend.  I’m excited to get it finished, because I’ve already ordered more fabric for some holiday projects from Fat Quarter Shop, and really want to get started on them!  Hopefully, in the next few months, I’ll be able to tell you all which quilt we’re using, which will be really exciting!!

Thanks for hanging in there with us during this journey.  Your comments, prayers, and support are so appreciated.

Much love,
K.

 

The Wait…Month Four

We’re a little over four months in our wait for a match.  I feel like time has been flying, but that’s probably because we’ve been trying to keep busy this summer.  We’ve been traveling for fun, and I’ve also been traveling for work, plus we’ve been working on the house continuously.  The basement is nearly completed, and we’ll soon start working on the nursery furniture!

I still struggle with the wait a lot.  I know nothing will make it go faster, that this is just the process, but it’s hard at times.  I just try to keep things in perspective, that everything will happen in the time it’s supposed to, and while we wait J and I can focus on our marriage and getting everything ready for the little one!

Much love,
K.

Quilting Along

In my last post, I talked about how I was planning on making a few baby quilts for when we’re finally matched and bring home our baby.  I decided to make a “girl” and a “boy” quilt, and then I can donate whichever one we don’t end up needing.  Since this was my first quilt, I really wanted something simple and easy to do, and I found a really neat pattern from Fat Quarter Shop, called Jelly Roll Jam.  There’s even a YouTube tutorial!

So, over the past 10 days, I’ve been frantically waiting for my second jelly roll of fabric to arrive (I wanted to mix and match from two different rolls, but didn’t realize this until after getting my first jelly roll in the mail).  Once it showed up, it was time to get quilting!  All in all, I probably put in around 10 hours, from start to finish, and I am really happy with how this first quilt turned out!  I machine quilted it and used my sewing machine to bind it as well (who has time for hand sewing?!), and I can’t wait to throw it in the wash a few times to really soften it up!

The “Boy” quilt is next…I’m excited to see how it turns out as well!

Much love,
K.

More Nursery Schenanigans

Ok…not really schenanigans, more so that it’s just another opportunity for me to take on another hobby that I will inevitably spend too much money buying supplies on.

A month or so ago, I decided that I wanted to make another blanket for the nursery.  Crochet will always be my first love, but I didn’t want everything to be crocheted in the room, and I’ve been wanting to do more sewing for quite some time, so I thought now was a good time to get started.  So…I started YouTubing for some easy quilt tutorials and came across one from Fat Quarter Shop called Jelly Roll Jam.  It looked fairly easy (because, well, everything on YouTube looks easy!), and I really liked the finished product, plus all the fabric was precut, so I was hoping this was a safe bet for a first quilt.  I asked a few of my quilting friends and they all told me it was a good starter quilt, so I felt better about my plan.  I stalked some fabric websites, picked out some fabric, bought the “necessary” supplies, and am now getting ready to go!

My fabric came in last night.  I ended up buying two Jelly Rolls so that I could mix and match the fabric lines.  I plan on making TWO quilts, a “boy” quilt and a “girl” quilt.  We have no idea what sex we’ll end up being matched with, so I figure I can put them both up in the closet and then pull out the right quilt when the time comes.  I can either just put up the other quilt (in the hopes that we adopt a second child), or I can pass it on to a friend with a child…or the cats will just “liberate” it for their use.  We’ll see…or maybe we’ll adopt twins!  If I sew it, they will come, right??

I plan on getting started later today, and I’ll do another post on my progress.  Of course, the lady on YouTube sews the entire top of the quilt in 20 minutes, but I have a feeling it’ll take quite a bit longer for me.  I’ll post photos once it’s something more than a pile of fabric strips though!  Wish me luck on my newest hobby!

Much love,
K.

Agency Update

After the home visit was completed, our social worker told us to check up with the agency in a few months to see how things were going.  She had a few comments on our book during the home study, and said it might be something that was brought up with the expecting mothers, and if it was mentioned by them the agency would let us know and we could make changes to the book.  They were all super easy things, such as some expecting moms like to see full pages and tons of photos of our family and extended families, photos of us with our multicultural friends, etc.  All very easy to update, and all things I had considered, but didn’t add into the book because I didn’t want it to be 100 pages long.

I sent off an email to the social worker and the Director at the agency earlier this week.  I know they’re a small agency and the response time probably wouldn’t be immediate, but I was curious to see how things were going.  The Director responded back yesterday with an update on the situation and how things are going.

It was an update/not an update.  I mean, it was the best she could provide, and I appreciate the time she took to write it, but anything less than “we’ve just matched you” probably wasn’t going to wow me.  They’ve shown our book several times in the last month, and no one has suggested anything they’d like to see differently, so no recommendations for changes.  She said that she’ll continue to get our profile out there as much as possible, but that was about it.  And, I understand that…there isn’t anything she can really do about the number of mothers coming in wanting to put together an adoption plan for their child, or who they pick to parent their child.  We just have to sit back, be patient, and pray that God has a plan for us and that we’re open to it.  It’s hard, and very frustrating at times, but J and I are still confident that this is the right path for us and that it’ll happen.

And, that’s about it.  Still waiting, still hanging out, but making more progress on the nursery!  I’ll post photos once all the artwork is hung on the walls!

Much love,
K.

The Wait…Three Months and Counting

It’s been a little over three months since we went “live” with our agency, and we’re still waiting.  I try to tell myself that we were told, up front, that the average wait time was 18-24 months, and we’re nowhere near that…but it’s hard.

Yesterday was a bit of a kick in the head.  A really good friend of mine has been thinking she’s been going through menopause (she’s in her mid-forties), and we’ve been talking about that.  I encouraged her to take a pregnancy test, just in case, because this woman is one of the most fertile people I’ve ever met.  She really didn’t think she was pregnant, but yesterday morning she decided to test just in case.  She’s pregnant, shocked, and excited (this will be child #4), and I am thrilled for her!  However, not five hours later, from finding out she’s pregnant, another friend who had started the adoption journey at the same time as us posted on her FB page that they had turned in their final bits of paperwork last week, and that same day they were matched with an expecting mother due in a week.  Last weekend, the baby was born and they’ve already brought her home.  Their “wait” for a match was half a day, and their daughter was home within a week.

And, honestly, I am so happy for them, but I’m also frustrated and sad and disappointed for us.  It’s like every time I breathe, someone new is getting pregnant, having a child, and now, getting matched and bringing home a baby.  It feels like there is this gaping hole in my chest that doesn’t seem to want to close, and with each day I worry that this will never happen for us.  I know we’re early in the adoption wait, but it’s been YEARS now that we’ve been trying for a child.  I know I just need to keep faith that this is all part of God’s plan and it WILL happen, but there are times when I’m doubtful.  We’ll get through it, and I’m sure I’ll get my positivity back eventually, but I think it might take a little bit.  I’m trying very hard not to wallow, so for the next few weeks I’m just going to do my best to focus on home remodel projects, exercise and eating healthy, and other fun things in life.  We’ll be going to Washington D.C. at the end of August, so I’m looking forward to that!  And, who knows…maybe my next update will be that we’re matched!

Much love,
K.

The Wait…Two Months In

It’s been two months since our home study was approved and our book went on the shelf.  There are days when it feels like just yesterday we were doing all the paperwork associated with the home study, and then there are days when it feels like we’ve been in a holding pattern forever.  While last month, I said that it doesn’t quite feel real at this point, this month is vastly different.  I wish I could say it was for the better, but it’s really not.

This past month, it has felt like we’re just spinning our wheels.  I hate feeling like I have zero control over any of this.  At this point, there is literally nothing we can do.  The paperwork is done, everything is finalized, we are just waiting for someone to pick us, and there’s not much I can do to speed that up.  I’m going to wait another month before contacting the agency for feedback and whether or not they’ve shown our book, just so they will have had plenty of time and opportunity to show it to birth moms.  I don’t want to bother them all the time about it…our agency is small and I know everyone is super busy.

J and I have discussed what we’ll do if this drags on.  We’ve talked about another round of IVF next year, if nothing comes from it by then.  We’ve also talked about signing on with a second agency, or an adoption law firm, to help see if that speeds things up.  I feel, in my heart, that adoption is the right path for us, but I get tripped up by my own impatience at times.  I feel like I’ve been waiting FOREVER to be a mother.  After we were married, I waited until J was on the same page about having children (he wasn’t ready as quickly as I was, and that was ok), then after we started trying to conceive, it was years of failures and treatments and more failures, and more money, and nothing to show for it.  And now, that we’ve moved on to adoption, it’s even more waiting.  There are days where I am so tired of waiting, I could scream.  And I try to keep it in perspective, but it’s hard at times.

So…that’s where we are.  Two months in.  It seems like such a pitiful amount of time, when you look at it as only 60 days, but to me it feels as though it’s a lifetime.  A lifetime of watching more friends get pregnant, give birth, parent their children, and a lifetime of wondering if that will ever be a reality for us.  I hope month three brings me some renewed hope and optimism, and I will definitely be working on my patience!

Much love,
K.

Baby Blankets and Crochet

When we lived overseas, I would often times run out of things to do in order to pass the time.   We traveled quite a bit (we were there 3.5 years), but during the week, after work, I needed hobbies.  So, I decided to teach myself to crochet.  I had learned a long time ago, when I was in elementary school, but I had forgotten pretty much all of it except how to make a chain, so I needed to relearn from scratch.  Luckily, all things can be taught via YouTube, so it wasn’t too bad!

With my newly acquired skills, I decided that I wanted to make my pregnant friends  a baby blanket for a present.  I liked to crochet, and I wanted my friends to have something handmade to give to their children.  While overseas, I made 3-4 blankets for friends, and after repatriating back to the US, I made several more.  But, I’d never made any for myself (and after three years of infertility, I was worried I never would).  However, now that we’re officially “on the shelf” with our adoption profile, I decided I could go ahead and make a blanket for our baby, whenever that baby decides to show up!  Last night, I finished it up, so it’s ready go to!  I plan on backing it with soft jersey knit material (or flannel), in a boy/girl specific color once we have the baby home, but for now, it’s as complete as it can get.  I’m completely in love with it, and can’t wait to wrap our baby up in it!

Much love,
K.