I realize that it’s been quite some time since I updated. Four months, actually…which seems like forever, and yet seems like yesterday, all at the same time.
The last time I posted, I shared that our IVF cycle was a bust. We had options that we were discussing, and we had decided to do another IVF cycle this year. Like most well laid plans, life happened. I switched jobs (same company, different role) in mid-December, and was traveling for work late January/early February, so we decided to do the IVF cycle in February. Then we booked a cruise in April for the Bahamas and Mexico, and the Zika virus took over the news, so we decided to postpone the IVF cycle until after the cruise, in late April/early May.
And then, one evening, we just starting talking. About our life at the moment, all the infertility struggles, where we hoped to be when it was all said and done. We realized that we had both been worried about another IVF cycle. We were both lacking confidence that another IVF cycle would work, and knowing that it would be a huge financial undertaking (not to mention emotional) was worrying. We both admitted that we really weren’t interested in going through another IVF cycle, especially with the feelings of pessimism that it wouldn’t work anyways.
Which sort of left us with a feeling of, “well…now what”? Initially, we had discussed embryo adoption/donor embryos as a possibility to expand our family…and that was something that we had ran with for a day or two. But, programs are expensive, donor embryos are harder to come by, and honestly…we had no way of knowing if my body can even sustain a pregnancy. Plus…it was more invasive procedures, more blood-work, more injections, and more financial burden being placed on a chance. And, to be sure, it’s a wonderful blessing if it pans out in the end…but it was still a chance. I’m tired of chances.
J and I talked about what that meant. For me, personally, I had never been tied to the idea of being pregnant. For a short time during our infertility struggles, I wanted DESPERATELY to be pregnant. I wanted the experience of carrying a child inside me…feeling each movement and watching the bumps and jolts through my belly as the baby grew. Even at this moment, I think that would be nice. It would be a wonderful experience. But I no longer feel TIED to that desire like I once did. Maybe the years of infertility has beaten that out of me, maybe my natural pragmatism has pushed down the desire, but at the end of the day I realized that what I want more than anything is to be a MOTHER. How I get there is just a path…and there are plenty of paths out there for women, but my path options were rapidly becoming overgrown and hard to navigate.
I looked at J and basically said, in the most matter of fact way possible, “I am ready to quit fertility treatments.” He agreed. Turns out, he was getting worn out and tired of them too. Tired of watching me struggle, tired of the rollercoaster of hormones, of the hopes and failures each 26-day cycle. When I told him I also wasn’t overly attached to the idea of carrying a child, he responded with, “Why don’t we just adopt.”
Adopt. And just like that, it felt right. Adoption has always been on the table for me (I’m adopted myself), and it was something that J and I discussed as an option for expanding our family, but not something that we had definitively decided to pursue RIGHT THIS MINUTE. But with those five words, it was like life sort of fell back into place, after being scattered to the four winds for the last three years.
So…here we are. Thrust back into a world of the unknown, but at least we feel really good about it. We’re both excited again, which is something we hadn’t really had for quite a few months. We’re researching various agencies and trying to find the right fit for us, and the goal is to commit with an agency before we leave on our cruise in April. Then, it’ll be a mountain of paperwork, home studies, profiles, and waiting before we are matched with a child. And I know this journey won’t be easy…it’ll be time consuming and it will be painful, but I’m ready for it. I feel like this is the closest I’ve ever come to being a mother, and I am ready.